Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
