so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
