Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
