i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
my liver is dry heaving
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
