There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
