I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
