do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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