I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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