just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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