Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
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My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
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Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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