I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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