HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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