the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
