she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
