I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
