So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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