I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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