i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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