how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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