you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
