Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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