I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
