if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
