Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
