man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
