I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
