I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
