I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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