the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
