Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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