are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
