I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
