Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I touched a dick in church today
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
