Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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