So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
