I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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