I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
