I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
