This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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