i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
