Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
