i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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