my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
