Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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