And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
