You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
