We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Randomize
