Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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