The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm too high and old for this...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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