Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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