for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."