I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.