he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
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Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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