Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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