is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
