I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dignity is for republicans.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
