there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
