I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
