My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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