WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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